It's not the duty, Chain of Command, or even the time at sea ... for me the worst part is late at night when the house is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts. I hear every little bump in the night and then the thought that creeps in my mind is "How do I do this?" Yes even after almost 11 years of marriage to a sailor, I still have that thought. Granted now, it's followed by answers.
I think the thing I miss the most when J is out to sea is the companionship. The "our" in "our weekend" and "our plans" suddenly is replaced with "my." It's not that I can't have that independence of "my" but I do prefer the "our." It really is like a piece of me is missing.
Though when I begin to hit that low point I tell myself "Suck it up sunshine. This is the life you chose. You may not have known what you were getting into at 19 but now at 30 you know how it is."
I think a lot of us even being in this life for a good amount of time still have that thought. The difference between experience and lack of is how you pick yourself up and keep moving. If you love your sailor and you've chosen this life, you have no choice keep moving forward. It's when we stop moving a part of us dies.
How do you keep moving I can hear someone ask? I don't know. I don't know if there is an answer to that. It's something inside of you that you dig deep and find. Sometimes you find just a little acorn of strength and with nurture, love, and patience it turns into a huge tree of strength.
So while I have this "woe is me" moment I know tomorrow will be different. My strength will return and my answers of "how do I do this" will be back. I guess what I want to say to those young or new spouses who are facing a deployment and don't how they are going to make it ... you will make it. I still have my moments but I pick myself back up and start making my way to the end of the tunnel. You can too. Allow yourself to have your moments of "poor me" but don't stay in it.
Steph
