There's a lot of confusion in the civilian world about how the military works. That's completely understandable - the military life isn't for everyone and only parts of it are publicized. While I might understand more about military life than most folks who aren't associated with military life, I don't know anything about being a trucker's wife, or being involved in politics or even being an airline pilot... every job has it's ins and outs and pros and cons.
With the military, the civilian world seems to have a preconcieved notion that the seperations are only during a deployment. Yeowch. Training, workups, emergency detachments, and deployments all contribute to seperations. With the new FRP, Fleet Readiness Plan, even an idea of a timeline for seperations is long gone.
The seperations really start a long time before the deployment. My husband's squadron isn't scheduled to deploy until spring of next year... but he's already been gone on 4 training dets for a total of 6 weeks gone, with longer and more frequent absences scheduled closer to deployment.
I know that I wasn't aware of just how much time away Jase would have when he joined the military - it's not been as bad as it could've been thanks to a wide support network ranging from close friends from my hometown to online groups to fellow spouses in the squadron who occasionally get together to commisserate.
It's been said before, but I think having a good support network in place is really such an important part of making seperations as easy as possible. Friends, family, and lots of understanding can make the absences more bearable.
It's funny how if we allow ourselves to be satisfied with just a small amount of any given thing, how truly it is enough.
I've been use to having J around for the last several years. Seeing him and talking to him every day. Weekends were our days to go out and about, drive to DC, North Carolina, anywhere else our hearts desired. We had what felt like an endless amount time together.
Now that he's back on sea duty, our time together consists of stolen moments. A day here, a hour there. Those moments are more precious than they had been in the several years.
Oddly enough a single email received which contains a few sentences seems to be just enough to keep going. He doesn't always have time to email, maybe once a week I'll get a long one. Usually though it's very short and an answer to a question I've asked. After ten years of marriage we've seem to have covered all the big topics. So now a sentence a day in email is enough for me to know he's okay. That's all I need.
I admit, I don't email him as much either. I'll email him either in the morning or in the evening and that's about it. It's nice to be in this place where you know each other enough to not need those long type of emails.
Though when he gets back we tell each other all the things that were too long to type in an email. We head to Wal-Mart and out to head and gear up for his next underway period.
Navy life guarantees one thing and one thing alone: Uncertainty.
A harsh concept? Maybe. Some folks thrive on the potential for constant change. Some people enjoy the excitement of not knowing what's around Life's next corner. Sometimes people just want a little consistancy and it can be hard to find in the Navy Life.
Don't get me wrong - family is always a constant in our world. We need each other, trust each other, and rely wholeheartedly on each other. It's a good focal point. Home is where we are when we're all together.
With the continual moves, schedule changes, and seperations, finding a job can be difficult for those who are new to an area, starting a family or are limited to one vehicle. What's a spouse to do when a second income is needed, but oh so hard to get?
There are options out there, depending on your situation.
There's in home jobs, though admittedly most require a start up fee of at least $50 if not more. This is a great option that a family can save up for and start on their own. You can get as much or as little out of a Pampered Chef or Tupperware business as you want. The possibilities for that are endless.
Other stay at home business ideas include in daycare - certification courses are offered at most bases and almost all bases are looking for qualified and excited care providers for infants and preschoolers; bookkeeping - anything from tax prep to accounting to budget examinations and suggestions; consulting – décor, organizational, moving, bridal/party/anniversary, beauty; sewing and embroiery; instructional - art, music, dance, etc; you could become a stylist or massage therapist, and you could also do transcriptions - medical or even translation if you're bilingual.
If you're just starting out in the workforce and don't have any experience, you could volunteer at places like the Red Cross or the Navy Marine Corps Relief Society. They can help you hone customer service and administrative skills along with providing you a letter of recommendation. It's a great way to network and meet people who know about job openings in the area as well.
Working at national chains is helpful, because they can sometimes work out a transfer from one place to another without an interruption of benefits.
It's not easy to be constantly on the move and to further your career as a spouse, but it can be done with a bit of creative thinking and flexibility.
I try not to be the one who whines and complains about navy life, because J and I have chosen this life. When we approached the ten year mark he decided he wanted to make it a career, and I decided I wanted to support him in this choice. We both felt we were strong enough as a couple and as individuals to move forward for another decade of service.
That being said ... J IS OUT OF SECURITY! I have to tell you I have a whole new respect for MA's and the work they do and the duties they perform. J went down to security about six months ago and it truly has been the longest part of his career. While he only worked 15 days a month, it felt like he was never off. Combined with his sea schedule, we truly never saw each other.
Now he's gone back to his own division and we couldn't be happier. I know he missed "his people" and what he was trained to do. He missed having normal navy hours, which in itself sounds weird. LOL Is there such thing as "normal navy hours?" Though the last six months we've felt like two ships passing in the night and well that feeling is finally OVER! He's back to what he was trained to do and we're back to a place that isn't as stressful.
Though what I've learned is that even when things become stressful and we find a particular duty, if we just hang in there we'll be fine. So the moral of the story is...
If you're having a difficult time with a particular duty station, deployment, duty - hang in there. Things always find a way to turn around.
First let me wish you much luck on your journey through Navy life. It is a wonderful adventure full of promise, challenges, and rewarding opportunities.
Now I myself am not in the navy but I have been married to my sailor for 10 of his 11 years in the service so we've ridden the roller coaster otherwise known as navy life together. It has had it's moments of frustration but all in all it has been an adventure that has brought us closer together and has opened our eyes to view the world in a way that we might not have seen it had we never embarked on this life.
You're full of questions and some of those questions can be answered but some of them cant. Your navy experience will be unique unto you. What someone finds difficult or challenging, you might breeze on through. Sure there will be some yelling but you have to remember that in boot camp they are building you to be a sailor. They are preparing you for life in the fleet and sometimes that life is hard. When you get to the fleet, you'll be the low man on the totem pole. Will it suck? Of course! Though those experiences will build you to be a leader. You'll run into real some real boneheads but you'll also find wonderful mentors who will guide you on your path to success.
Your career as a sailor and how you view the navy is completely up to you. Everyone gets bad duty stations but you have to look forward to the next one and chances are it will be a better one. As a woman you are probably going to have to work harder than a lot of men to prove that you belong as a sailor. More will be expected of you from your superiors who are women. They've worked hard to get where they are and they want to see the young women that follow them to work hard and become successful. You'll have to work as one of the guys but you also have to keep your own identity. Keep in mind nothing spreads faster than rumors about a female sailors improprieties.
Your boyfriend has to find his own way in this world but the navy might be a good place for him to start. Chances are if he does join, you two will not be at the same duty station and if marriage is something you've ever considered with him, know that there is a chance you two still won't be stationed together. Though the navy does try to keep dual military couples in the same area.
Your sea rotation, depending on what rate {job} you get in the navy, generally works out to 5 years on sea duty/2 on shore duty. As you move up the ladder in rank that sea/shore rotation will change. Sometimes you will be at sea more than you are at home. The food isn't always great and the showers and the privacy you will have will sometimes be less desirable. Though when you come in from a six month deployment and you see five or six thousand people standing on a pier cheering your homecoming, or when someone walks up to you and says "Thank you for your service" all those sacrifices you made are worth it.
You'll see places that you never dreamed you would see. My husband has been to Spain, France, Greece, Italy, Israel, Malta, Slovenia, UAE, Bahrain - he's seen three oceans, a couple of seas, and a gulf or two. He's met people who he never would have met and ate in little restaurants that I will never see. While it's true that he would have rather been home with me, I've watched in grow from a small town boy (I'm a city girl) to really man of the world.
With the navy you have the good and the bad and weigh them and see which is better. Personally I think the good far outweighs the bad but not everyone feels that way. You journey will be an amazing one, just keep your head up high and take one step at a time. You'll be fine.
One of the things that I always think about when J is gone is the menu of a single navy spouse. Not having kids I'm left usually cooking for one. So the big question of the day is do I nuke or eat out? Is it a salad from Wendy's or a sandwich from Arbys? Is it frozen or something thrown between two crackers? These become the very serious questions of my life during underway periods.
Usually my menu's consist of lean hot pockets, some kind of low calorie/low fat frozen meal, a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, or tuna with crackers. Yes, there's variety there. I hate cooking for one. What's the point? When J is gone, I eat less. I don't cook, and my kitchen stays clean. Instead of the infamous soup nazi telling me "No Soup for you" all I have is soup for me. Oh I'll cook in bulk sometimes. A big pot of spaghetti sauce and freeze it in single servings. Maybe a thing of chili, or even order a pizza and freeze what I don't eat. Though it's no fun eating alone and the variety sure goes out the window.
During our first deployment and workup season, our daughter was young enough to be a bit disturbed by Daddy's absence, but she got used to it fairly quickly. She adapted faster than I did, actually.
LilBug, aka my daughter Jay, really loved seeing her daddy on TV. We had recorded several different books and a few personal messages for her to watch every so often, plus tons of pics from port and random other events kept her "up to date," so to speak. She knew exactly who he was when he stepped off that plane, putting to ease many a worry that Jase had.
Now, however, Bug is a bit older and used to seeing Daddy on a regular basis. She loves sitting on his lap while he does his online classes, cozying up to him to watch TV, and hanging with him while he's working outside. She's even to the point where she asks where he is if he has an evening watch and misses dinner.
The squadron is slowly gearing up for yet another season of workups to prepare for deployment. I'm starting to get ideas from other military families about coping with absences and children, making notes about what might help Jay and even some ideas for helping me get through it.
Some of the suggestions:
A jar filled with candies. Take one candy out per day, and when the candy is gone, deployment is close to over. (you know how that goes!)
A paper chain. I've heard this done two ways - one is making a biiiig chain and tossing away a link every day, another is making the chain and writing down a memory for that day on it to give to the servicemember when he/she returns.
Making recordings of family events to watch during the "rough" days.
Coloring pictures, writing stories, creating photo collages, etc to send overseas. Include a blank coloring page in the envelope for Mom or Dad to color and return. Depending on the situation, maybe have them send home
Sending scrapbook pages of events - field trips, school plays, a trip to the park, a particularly raucous soccer game, etc.
This one just made me go, "Awwwww..." *sniffle* - Heading to the beach and tossing rocks in the water so Daddy can pick them up on the other side of the ocean. (You might want to have some rocks for Dad to have in his bags when he gets back!)
For older kids, making a cd for Mom or Dad to listen to when deployment ends.
Making pillowcases with iron-on transfer pictures.
Have the deploying family member trace his/her hand on a piece of paper and cut out several of the "hands." One woman and her spouse wrote notes for his kids on the palms for the kids to read. Smaller kids can glue the hands to a paper plate along with cutouts of their own hands and make a wreath to hand on the wall.
Some families start rituals that only go on during deployment. Creating a special family time keeps these families close and helps reassure everyone that there is someone there for them. Maybe it's a movie night, or a special sitcom that everyone watches with their own special snacks. Maybe it's one day to go out and start finding things to do for carepackages. Maybe everyone just hits a fast food place and goes to the park to unwind for a few hours. The list is endless.
Setting up email accounts for individual kids to get private messages from their deployed parent seems to help a lot as well. Dad or Mom can still stay in the loop and have personal, individual conversations with each family member. (Some parents keep tabs on the account by noting the password - to each their own)
Does anyone have suggestions to add to this list? Please, feel free to let us know how you and your kids cope with deployment.
Yesterday, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Joy of joys.
So it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and today I'm doing pretty well except for a funky taste in my mouth. The doc said that was pretty normal though, so I'm pretty pleased all in all.
I am a food addict. I know it sounds funny, but I really do enjoy lots of different foods and snack a LOT on veggies and fruits, especially carrots, celery, peppers and apples. Not all at once mind you - but those are some fave snacks of mine. Since I can't really eat any of those for a day or two, I was dying for some distractions.
What do you all do for distractions? How do you pass the time when you're waiting for a call or an email to pop up from your sailor? When you're bored out of your mind and the kids are in bed and your sweetie is on det... again... how do you spend your time?
Do you take more bubble baths? Try out a new video game? Surf the web? Catch up on chick-flicks? Curl up and read a book? Do you try out new recipes or have different foods while your spouse is out?
I do a little bit of all of the above, and admittedly, I do some while he's still home. Just try to pry a good book out of my hands... I dare ya. LOL!
Is it hard? Well heck yes it is! But that sure doesn't mean it isn't fun and filled with the unexpected.
Navy life is a lot like any other life - there are good times, bad times, iffy times, and certain times. Murphy's Law almost always applies and there are many a morning when the choice literally must be made: Do I laugh or do I cry?
Generally it's easier to cry, but more rewarding to laugh.
Navy life really is what you make of it. It's not easy to look for bright spots, but once you get the hang of it, it starts to come more naturally.
Moving to new towns is scary, but exciting. There are new places to explore, new events, a different "feel" of a place so to speak. People have different accents, different ways of living, and the weather is always a "fun" thing to adapt to. Fog in Lemoore, wind at Whidbey, the humidity but gorgeous sunsets in Pensacola... the list goes on and on.
Leaving friends is hard and sometimes making new ones is even harder, but meeting different types of people from different places and backgrounds enriches your life. Navy families can be incredibly supportive of one another, and eventually you also learn there's a flip side to that. Some families are destructive forces. I think that goes for both sides of the fence though - military and civilian. In my experience though, people are generally open and at the very least polite.
Some of the best friends I've ever had are military families. The caring, understanding and strength of a military family... it's just indescribable.
Deployments and seperations are par for the course and so incredibly difficult, but the experience is wholly unique. After awhile, you know where to get certain types of gifts and souveniers and you know what you need to do to get through the next month, week, day, minute...
Sometimes getting through the tough times really does come down to a minute by minute coping method for me. There are days, even when my sweetheart is home that I just watch the clock. "Ok, we made it through that five minutes... and whaddya know?! Time really IS still moving forward!"
From deployments and dets I've learned more about the world through my husband than I ever thought I would. Jase has stories about the places he's been, but more about the people he's met and the cultures he's observed. It's a unique outlook and a unique experience. No two sailors ever feel exactly the same about it...
I remember a story from England. The squadron was onboard the Enterprise and had a port visit in England. Apparently during one of their many trips through town, one of the local passersby heard the guys talking and piped up, "You can't possibly be from the Enterprise."
"What? Yes, we can be from the Enterprise. We ARE from the Enterprise."
"What? Then where are your uniforms?"
"This is port liberty call. We don't need uniforms."
"But Kirk ALWAYS wears his uniform..."
"What???"
"You can't seriously mean you're from the Enterprise?"
"Yeah. The US aircraft carrier. Not the Star Trek space ship, dude."
"Ooohhh! Do you want someone to show you around town, then?"
Talk about a weird way to meet someone. LOL! Jase said it was the best tour of a town he'd ever gotten - and the least expensive.
People are unique and fascinating the world over. Sometimes the experience is just so overwhelming it's hard to deal with... but looking for that silver lining is really the only way I've made it through. A lot of times my friends have had to drag me up out of a really rough blue funk. Each time they've reminded me that there is so much more to life and so much to look forward to.
It's not easy and it's not for everyone - but that's part what makes us a strong and incredibly amazing group of people:
